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लोन देने में सक्ष्म हो जाएगा

अगर भारत सरकार FB और Whatsapp पर
Dp बदलने के लिए 1 रुपये लेना शुरू कर दे तो
कुछ ही दिनों में भारत..
अमेरिका चीन को लोन देने में सक्ष्म हो जाएगा

Uploaded By: Nikki Oct,5 2016
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लड़का बेहोश

एक लड़का अपनी गर्लफ्रेंड को कम्प्यूटर में कुछ
ठीक करना सीखा रहा था,
लड़का : हाँ अब कम्प्यूटर(Computer) पर राइट क्लिक करो,
लड़की : कर दिया ,
लड़का : डिवाइस मेनेजर में जाओ ,
लड़की : चली गयी,
लड़का : अब अब देखो ऊपर क्या है ?
लड़की : पंखा,
लड़का बेहोश

Uploaded By: Viraj Oct,5 2016
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I can’t find a Brain

Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now…
sorry I have to leave, I can’t find a brain.

Uploaded By: Munni Oct,5 2016
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नेट का छोटा पैक लेने

Uploaded By: Poonam Sep,23 2016
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Witout Using Ur Mouse

Pres Alt+Tab Continuosly To Move Frm 1Window 2
Another Witout Using Ur Mouse

Uploaded By: Viraj Feb,25 2016
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Computer Course

Facebook Pe Ladki Patayi
Whatsapp Pe Baat Chalayi
Twiter Pe Mom Dad Se Milayi
Yahoo Pe Divorce Ho Gaya
Chalo Isi Bahane Computer Course To Ho Gya.

Uploaded By: Abhishek Jan,18 2016
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Meri Spouse

Ho Gayi Galti Humse, Click Ho Gaya Mouse
Duniya Ki Parwaah Chhodo, Ban Jaao Meri Spouse.

Uploaded By: Karan Jan,14 2016
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Read Only

Company Kee Ladkiyaan Sunder Hain
Aur Lonely Hain..
Problem Ye Hai Ki Bus Voh
Read Only Hain.

Uploaded By: Poonam Jan,9 2016
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Teenager

Google turns 12 this year.
This means we only have one more year to use it,
Before it turns into a teenager and won not answer anything.

Uploaded By: Tina Nov,18 2015
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Candy Crush

When Modi meet Mark zuckerberg.
Zuckerberg: what can I do for betterment of indian people?
Modi: Tu pehle woh candy crush bandh kar.

 

Uploaded By: Varun Nov,3 2015
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Relationship

Girlfriend: I do not think it is working out. Our relationship is dead.
IT Guy: Ek baar restart karke to dekh le.

Uploaded By: Priya Sep,28 2015
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Restart

Girlfriend: I do not think it is working out. Our relationship is dead.
IT Guy: Ek baar restart karke to dekh le.

Uploaded By: Praveen Sep,4 2015
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A Good Doctor

Doctor to Patient: You Will Die Within 2 Hours.
Do you Want to See Any One Before you Die?
Patient: Yes. A Good Doctor.

Uploaded By: Neeta Aug,17 2015
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All Programs

Wife: I will Leave You Forever.
Husband:Close All Programs And Log Out For Another User.

Uploaded By: Poonam Aug,17 2015
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Brought The Saree.

Wife: Have You Brought The Saree.
Husband: Bad command Or file Name.
Wife: But I told you about it in Morning.
Husband: Erroneous Syntax Abort cancel.

Uploaded By: Gujju Aug,17 2015
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A Pink One

Girl: Which computer do u have?
Boy: I have a computer with intel core i7
processor at 3.3 ghz, windows 7, 64 bit, 8gb ram
Boy: which computer do YOU have?Girl: A PINK ONE !!

Uploaded By: Santhosh Aug,1 2015
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Computer V/S Husband

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling,
Its a computer, not a Husband.

Uploaded By: Savita Jul,21 2015
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Never Delete

A good friend is like a computer.
Me enter ur life,
Save u in my heart,
Format ur problems,
Shift u 2 opportunities &,
Never delete u from my memory.

Uploaded By: Rehan Jul,16 2015
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Jail For While

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Uploaded By: Poonam Jul,14 2015
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Not A Husband

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling!
its a computer, not a Husband

Uploaded By: Rehan Jul,13 2015
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My Girlfriend

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes

 

Uploaded By: Sunny Jul,13 2015
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Customer And Tech Support

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Uploaded By: Savita Jul,8 2015
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Computer

Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now…..

sorry I have to leave, I can’t find a brain

Uploaded By: Julia Jul,7 2015
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Love in Computer style

Tumse Mila Main Kal To, Mere Dil Mein Hua Ek Sound,
Lekin Aaj Tum Mili To Kehti Ho: Your File Not Found

Uploaded By: Admin Jul,7 2015
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Call From User

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.


Uploaded By: Sophia Jun,19 2015
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Are You Sure

Question: Why can not MICROSOFT built any cars?
Answer: Cause when an accident happens the airbag always asks: Are you sure?

Uploaded By: Pankaj Jun,19 2015
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Bother About Errors

A software engineer was smoking in office.
Girl says, Can not you see the warning? Smoking is injurious to health
The engineer says : We bother only about Errors not Warnings.

Uploaded By: Rahul Jun,19 2015
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Send Through Courier

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.


Uploaded By: Raj Jun,19 2015
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Avoid Multiple user

God: I am Going to Make Girls with Hightech future
Any Suggestions
Boy: Yes.
Her Heart Should be Password Protected To Avoid Multiple Users.



Uploaded By: Farhan Jun,19 2015
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SayNoToGirls.EXE

They enter your life,
Scan your pockets,
Transfer your money,
Edit your mind,
Download their problems and
Delete your smile
So please download the software SayNoToGirls.EXE to save your life otherwise the hardisk of your heart may crash.

Uploaded By: Jessie May,29 2015
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"Salary Theorem"

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much
as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the
following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of
the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make. 

Uploaded By: Praveen Nov,8 2014
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No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do
so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does
that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow
(see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems,
their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more
sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug. 

Uploaded By: Angel Nov,8 2014
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When you are counting objects

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to
bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting
the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next
page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and
start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you
want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you
remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math
in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. 

Uploaded By: Rajaan Nov,8 2014
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To the tune of "American Pie

[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some att 

Uploaded By: Rajaan Nov,8 2014
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Dear Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy.

My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in
Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin.

They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in
Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence
in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994,
the other currently being
held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three
children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in
Christchurch and indeed is still a
part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as
she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the
possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge
of the industry working as the Madam.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I
would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the
heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into
the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft? 

Uploaded By: Pankaj Nov,8 2014
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I was just having a conversation

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs." 

Uploaded By: Praveen Nov,8 2014
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I have been an NTL customer

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints
dept..

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3
-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which
I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H; and drinking vendor-
coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your
infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-
bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further
telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived...

A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these
are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and
most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls
on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call
me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been
redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another o 

Uploaded By: Praveen Nov,8 2014
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won'tv bother you for weeks! 

Uploaded By: Karan Nov,8 2014
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At a recent COMDEX

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors has issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or
"Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the
roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced
by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them
nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the
car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a
target for investigation by the justice dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine. 

Uploaded By: Angel Nov,8 2014
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There was once a young man

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a
great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 

Uploaded By: Karan Nov,8 2014
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This little computer

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for
you."

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two." 

Uploaded By: Praveen Nov,8 2014
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In Heaven

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.


In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price. 

Uploaded By: Karan Nov,8 2014
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Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes. 

Uploaded By: Rajaan Nov,8 2014
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Dear Editor

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death
in the gas chamber.

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are
prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served
time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry 

Uploaded By: Rajaan Nov,8 2014
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How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard. 

Uploaded By: Praveen Nov,8 2014
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Oprah Winfrey virus

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to
200MB.

AT&T; virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T;
virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about
it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of
your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on
each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface
at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the
user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for
$4,500. 

Uploaded By: Rajaan Nov,8 2014
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The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

586:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete:
Any computer you own.

Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3:
Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the
computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."

Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and
money is no object."

Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax
Error.

GUI (pronounced "gooey"):
What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.

Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on
business trips.

Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. 

Uploaded By: Angel Nov,8 2014
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Computer users are divided into three types

Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break
their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after
they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers. 

Uploaded By: Praveen Nov,8 2014
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A tech support employee once received

A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had
purchase one of their PCs.

"The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the
cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a
replacement!"

The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally
asked her to describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of his company
selling in-computer cup holders.

So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of
the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it..." 

Uploaded By: Abhishek Nov,8 2014
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Dear God

Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me..

My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbours cat.
My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.
My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to
make it through anything today!

But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER! 

Uploaded By: Pankaj Nov,8 2014
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