STORY
VIDEOS
NON VEG
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in
the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand
with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew
the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary
to cancel your e-mail account."
1 
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by
writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it
was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four
characters."
1
In the aftermath of the AOL/Time-Warner merger, it has been leaked that Yahoo!
is taking over the following companies:
Disney
Data General
United Health Care.
The names of the new mega company will be:
Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.
1
Telltale signs of a downturn in the Stockmarket...
=> NASDAQ seen in waterfront dive getting gooned on port shooters.
=> You've just called your investment house and the first thing they tell you
is the soup of the day.
=> U.S. dollar and foil covered chocolate pirate doubloons currently on par.
=> Dow Jones now stripping in gay bar under the name Wow Jones.
=> Next parade down wall street, CEOs still fling tickertape from windows,
only now don't bother taking it out of their pockets.
=> Alan Greenspan has personally adopted a pesos-only policy.
1
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on
the way back to bed.
You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child
in the overhead compartment.
You laugh at people with 28.8 baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have
neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)
1
E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the
dawn.
And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
1
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and
corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles
may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any
stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool.
When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the
diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes
may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the
surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If
your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into
your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both
disks.
A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings
at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings
liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light
is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable
text.
Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or
"hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a
few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from
the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes.
This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage.
Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette
jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from
spreading.
1
A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in
the next seat, "..and where are you going?"
"I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention," he replies.
"Eunuchs convention?" she questions. "I didn't know there were that many of
you."
1
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike
their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by
gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le
computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the
problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
1
Subject: -What software version are you running?
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having
some problems lately.
I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my
primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always
conflicted with it.
I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background
mode and the sound is turned off.
But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program,
often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see
better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0.
He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and
eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.
He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a
while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection
program.
It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but
GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the
presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some
way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I
can't understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your
hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to Girlfriend
Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't
upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he
describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 somet
1
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around
late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve
from Adam's rib.
This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession
in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that
God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and
best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was
the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile
responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
1
How to clean your mouse...
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers
about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a
mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball
replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items.
1
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g.,
"Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers
should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you
don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little
longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
1
The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians
standing before it.
After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of
the machine.
One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said
with awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary
mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?"
1
Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the
error messages that appear in Windows.
Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating
system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is
trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an
ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million
people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation'
warning.
We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short
advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan
Mirror.
He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue
Screen of Death in the near future.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate
whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with
this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error
messages.
1
One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven.
When he got there he met God.
God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?"
Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?"
So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a
playing harps and all the walls were white.
Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous
women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone
was splashing in the water and having fun.
Bill Gates choose Hell.
A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a
rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When you let
me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What
happened??!!?"
God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo"
1
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to
his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of
Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a
man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here.
I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a
beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three
Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St.
Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could
you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion,
and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating
system! Why does he deserve better??!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
1
There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers
look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and
trying to trace where a fault
might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the
fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a
suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open
the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"
1
Shocking revolution:
The most widely used languages in Bangalore is
Not Kannada,
Neither english nor telugu,
Not even hindi!
Its
C, C++ and java!!!!
1
LOVE SONG BY A SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Kal jab mile thhe....
to dil mein hua ek sound.
Aur aaj mile to kehte hain...
your FILE NOT FOUND!
Jo muddat se hota aaya hai,
woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to apni zindagi
CTRL+ALT+ DEL kar doonga...
Shayad mere pyar ko
taste karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya
ke PASTE karna bhool gaye....
Laakhon honge nigaah mein
kabhi mujhe bhi pick karo...
Mere pyaar ke icon pe
kabhi to DOUBLE CLICK karo...
Roz subha hum karte hain
pyar se unhe good morning...
Woh aise ghoor ke dekti hain
jaise 0 ERRORS aur 5 WARNING...
Aisa bhi nahin hai ke
I don't like your face.
Par dil ke storage mein
No more DISK SPACE.
Ghar se jab tum nikale
pehen ke reshmi gown.
Jaane kitne dilon ka
ho gaya SERVER DOWN
1
Wikipedia: I know everything
Google : i have everything
Facebook : i know everybody
Internet : without me u r nothing
.
.
Electricity : awaaaz niche.
1
Killer PJ-
How 2 write a C program to prevent titanic from sinking??
.
.
.
.
declare the variable "titanic" as "float".
1
One girl went to a electronic shop with anger and
threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from
whom he bought.
She told the salesman that you
have cheated
me.
I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop..
Salesman : Madam, can you please try infront of me.
This is what She did,
1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she
wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
3) Took that mouse carefully and connected itto the
other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE
option.
.
.
Salesman DIED
1
Girl Friend:- Dear,
This Computer Is Not Working As Per My Command!!!
Boy Friend:- Exactly Darling,
Its A Computer Not Ur Boy Friend...
1
Helpdesk guy speaking to a lady user...
Helpdesk: double click on "my computer".
Lady: i cant see your computer...
Helpdesk: No..click on "my computer" on your computer.
Lady: How da hell can i click on ur computer from my computer???!!
Helpdesk: there is an icon labelled "My computer" on your computer..double clik on it...
Lady: wat da hell is ur computer doin on my computer ?!!!
1
Computer Engineering Field Ki
Larki,
Ko
Kisi ladke ne cheda, uska ghussa
aise
nikla
.
.
Pedaishi Error,
.
.
Virus k Bachey,
.
.
Excel ki currupt file
.
.
1 Click Marungi to Zameen Se
Delete
Ho k
Qabar Me Install Ho Jayega.!
1
Sochiye physics kitni eassy hoti aagr aagr aagr
aagr Apple ki jagah ped gira hota aur newton
wahi nipat gaya hota.
1
Google may be most powrful search engine
but
:
:
*
:
:
:
:
,
:
,
,
,
,
,
,:
,
:
,
:
,
,.
mandir se gum hui chappl google ka baap b ni
dhund skta .P
1
? Mobile Aya
? Camera Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? Wrist Watch Khatam
? Mobile Aya
?? Torch Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? Radio Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? MP3 Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? Letters Khatam
? Mobile Aya
?? Calculator Khatam
?Mobile Aya
? Computer Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? Sakoon Khatam
Aur agar apka
?Mobile" ?
ap ki
"Girlfriend" ke haath aya toh
Maa Kasam
aap "Khatam." ??
.....?
@ ??
( ? )
\ ?? /
???c?
??
/ \
????
Ek dum latest ...?
Badalti Duniya Ka aisa Asar Hone Laga,
Aadmi pagal?Aur Phone Smart Hone Laga !
???
1
P.J :
Aurangazeb:
Senapati batao ki hum Shivaji ko kyu Nahi dhund pa rahe hain??
Senapati:
kyoki Maharaj ham Mughal Hain Google Nahi
1
Mujhe ek larki ka facebook pe msg aya
Aur boli apni pics FB pe mat dala karo
!!
I said why?
Then she said
Lipstick se mera LAPTOP ganda ho jata hy :p:D:-)
1
MAA- Beta tum kyu ro rhe ho ?
Beta - kuch nhi bus aise hi.
Maa - nhi kuch bat to hai beta.
Beta - kha na bus u hi dil bhar aya.
kuch der bad maa ne table p padi bete ki
medical report ko
padha is p likha tha bete ko cancer hai vo
kuch
hi dina ka mehman hai.
thodi der bad usi table pe bete ne ek...
leter dekha uski maa ne likha tha - beta
mai tumhe marta nhi dekh sakti mai
hamesha ke liye teri salamti ki bikh
maangne ke liye
bhagwan ke pas ja rhi hu
bagwan tumhe khush rakhe.
tumhari maa.
Respect Your Mom ??
Lyk & Share if It touched ur Heart
else ignore
1
Do u know...???
Khaana saamne rakh kar bhi na khane
wali,
Aur neend aate huye bhi na
sone dene wali beemari kaun si
hai..?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Yehi !!
Jo haath mein pakdi hui hai...
1
"Happy winters" to -
married peoples
.
.
.
.
.
and for singles "- keep Using
Facebook
inside your blanket on your
smartphones"
1
Dil agar CPU hota to aapki sabhi yadon ko SAVE Kar sakte,
Dimag mein agar PRINTER hota to khayallo ka PRINT OUT nikal lete,
Dhadkan mein agar PEN DRIVE hoti to zindagi ka BACKUP lete,
Mann mein jo BLUETOOTH hota to baton ko TRANSFER kar lete,
Ankhon mein jo WEBCAM hota to tasvir ko RECEIVE kar lete,
Kash Zindagi bhi ek COMPUTER hoti to use bhi RESTART ker lete,
Kaaash aisa hota?
1
Pappu rings a call centre:
My internet is not working properly
Officer:
Ok
Double click on "My computer"
Pappu:
I can't see ur computer
Officer:
No no
click on "My computer" on ur computer
Pappu:
How can I click on ur computer from my
computer?
Officer:
listen
There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on ur
computer
Ok
double click on it
Pappu:
what the hell, what is your computer doing on
my computer..?
Officer:
Double click on ur computer
Pappu:
On which Icon i've to click
Officer:
"My Computer"
Pappu:
Oh Teri......Pagal insaan
Tell me where is ur office. I'll come there and
click on ur "Computer."?? ??
1
Facebook Ki Leela....
Facebook Ki Leela Sab Par Padi Bhaari Hai,
71 Saal Ki Burhiya Bhi Yahan Kunwaari Hai..
Chacha Ki Bhi Kismat Badal Jaati Hai,
18 Saal Ki Chaachi Yahan Mil Jaati Hai..
Ladke Yahan Ladkiyan Ban Jaate Hain,
Nakali Id Se Aatank Machaate Hain..
Kuchh Toh Itne Paagal Ho Jaate Hain,
Din Raat "Add Me" .."Add Me" Chillaate Hain.
1
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiled cabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
1
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiled cabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
1