A clerk at a butcher shop stands five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
How far can you walk into the woods?
Answer: Half way. After that you are walking out of the woods.
A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?
Answer: None of them, because you can't get a banana from a coconut tree!
A man makes a claim that he can predict the exact score of every football game, before it begins. And he's always right. How's that possible?
Answer: He says the score before every football game begins is 0-0.
If a plane crashes on the border of The United States and Mexico, where would the survivors be buried?
Answer: Nowhere, you don't bury survivors.
How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: None, there is no dirt in a hole.
Ten birds were sitting in a tree and a hunter shot one. How birds many were left in the tree?
Answer: None - After one bird got shot, they all flew away.
Two men play 7 games of checkers. Each wins an equal number of games and yet, there are no ties. How is this possible?
Answer: They didn't play against each other
A man wearing black clothes, black shoes and a black hat is walking down a street. The street lamps are all off. A black car, with its headlights off, comes speeding down the road, but screeches to a halt, just before hitting the man. How did the driver see the man?
Answer: It was daytime.
An airplane crashed into a field. Every single person in the aircraft died. But two people survived. How come?
Answer: They were married.
An electrician and a plumber were waiting in line for admission to the "New England Home Show". One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?
Answer: They were husband and wife.
Some months have thirty days while others have thirty-one days? Which month has twenty-eight days?
Answer: All months have 28 days in them.
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin.