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I have been an NTL customer

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaintsdept..Dear CretinsI have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service whichI had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidityof monolithic proportions.Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursueyour professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - ormore likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining readingmaterial as you while away the working day smoking B&H; and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting inmy spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for yourtechnician to arrive.When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to yourinfuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot womantelling me to look at your helpful website.... how?I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles fora few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highlyadept.The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, althoughthe technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several furthertelephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived...A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... theseare usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, andmost of the useful periods over the weekend.I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone callson my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfullytransferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems alsohighly skilled bollock jugglers.I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will callme back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephoneline is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred tosomeone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then beenredirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); thatI will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line isavailable (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robotwoman...and several other variations on this theme.Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least athousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another o