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एक डॉक्टर ने अपने मरीज से कहा चिंता की कोई बात नहीं है मामूली चोट है
फिर उसकी नजर मरीज के ब्रांडेड शूज और कपड़ो पर पड़ी ।
देखते ही डॉक्टर तुरंत बोला लेकिन फिर भी सेफ साइड के लिए एक MRI करवा ही लो
898 
छगन : तुम ऑपरेशन कराए बिना ही हॉस्पिटल से क्यों भाग गए ?
मगन : नर्स बार बार कह रही थी कि डरो मत, हिम्मत रखो, कुछ नहीं होगा.. ये तो बस एक छोटा सा ऑपरेशन है!
छगन : तो इसमें डरने वाली कौन सी बात है ? सही तो कह रही थी नर्स !
मगन : साले, वो मुझसे नहीं डॉक्टर से कह रही थी
624
Doctor : आपकी बीमारी की असल वजह मेरी समझ में नहीं आ रही, हो सकता है,
शराब पीने की वजह से ऐसा हो रहा हो ।
Patient : कोई बात नहीं डॉक्टर साहब,
जब आपकी उतर जाए तब मैं चेक-अप के लिए दोबारा आ जाऊंगा
375
Lady: Doctor Mere Lips Pe Infection Hogaya Hai.
Doctor: KISS Kitni Bar Karti Ho?
Lady: Saal Main 1 Baar,
Doctor: Infection Nahi ZANG Lag Gaya Hai.
592
Doctor: Ttum Abhi 2 Ganto Main Mar Jaanewaale Ho.
Kya Tumhaara Koi Aakhri Khwaaish Hai?
Patient: Haanji, Ek Achche Doctor Ko Consult Karna Hai
705
PATIENT: Na khaau, to bhook lagti hai.
Na souu, to Neend aati hai.
Zyada kaam karu, to thakawat hoti hai.
DOCTOR: Saari Raat Dhoop mein baitho, Theek ho jaoge.
854
Doctor: Jab aapko pata tha ki chipkali aapke muh me ja rahi hai to aap chup kyu the?
Patient: Isse phele cockroch gaya tha to mujhe laga ki chipkali usko paked legi.
924
Doctor: Jab aapko pata tha ki chipkali aapke muh me ja rahi hai to aap chup kyu the?
Patient: Isse phele cockroch gaya tha to mujhe laga ki chipkali usko paked legi
227
Doctor: Kya takleef hai.. ??
Pappu: Seenay me Bohot dard ho raha hai..
Doctor: Cigrette Peety ho..??
Pappu: Han Par “Gold Flake” hi Mangwana..
921
Simran to Doctor :
Maine Galti se Meri Bhabhi ki
IPill Kha li,
Kya Kru?
Dr: Bindaas Ghoomo
Dosto ko Khush Karo,
72 Ghanto k Liye
Prepaid ho Gayi ho..
Jaa Simran Jaa..
Jee le Apni Zindagi.
810
Mariz: Pehle Aap Waada Kare ke Hasse Ge Nahi,
Dr.: G Promise
Mariz ne Lulli Nikaali jo Machis ki Teeli Jitni Thi
Dr. Ki Hassi Nikal Gai.
Mariz: Aapne na Hassne ka Waada Kia Tha
Dr.: Ok Serious.. Ab Masla Batao?
Mariz: Dr. Sahb, Ye Sooj Gai Hai.
Dr: Hahahaha Hahahahaha O Teri Phen di.
627
Ek mahila apne kutte ko lekar jaanvaro ke doctor ke paas gai aur boli: Doctor sahab, iski dum kaat deejiye.
Doctor: Kyon?
Mahila: Isliye ki parson meri saas aa rahi hai aur mai nahi chaahti ki mere ghar me kisi bhi tarah se uska swaagat ho.
463
Doctor Jab Aapko Pata Tha ki Chipkali Aapke Muh Me Ja Rahi Hai To Aap Chup Kyu The?
Patient Isse Phele Cockroch Gaya Tha To Mujhe Laga Ki Chipkali Usko Paked Legi
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Doctor: I am sorry Opration ke Waqt Rubber ke Gloves
Aapke Pet Me Reh Gaye.Dobara Opration Karna Hoga.
Patient: Abey Pagal Hai kya?
Ye Le 20 Rupaye. Naya Le Le.
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PATIENT: Na khaau, to bhook lagti hai.
Na souu, to Neend aati hai.
Zyada kaam karu, to thakawat hoti hai.
DOCTOR: Saari Raat Dhoop mein baitho, Theek ho jaoge.
399
Patient: Doctor! Mujhe Aisi Dava Dijiye Ki Marne Ke Baad Main Fir se Zinda ho Jaau..
Doctor: Ye Tel. No. lo. Ye Ekta Kapoor Ka no. Hai, is Pe Contact karo..
509
The doctor told a patient that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. After 300 days
The patient called the doctor to report he had lost weight, but he had a problem.Doctor
252
Doctor Checkup Girl
Nice Looking Girl
Doctor:Ok Now Breath,Give You Wrist....show Your Eyes....
Old Lady:
Doctor:Open You Mouth.
819
Golu: Tera baap doctor hai,
fir bhi tu beemar ho gaya..
Kitne sharam ki baat hai..
Molu: BC tera baap Condom bechta hai,
fir bhi tu paida hua na
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डॉक्टर- अब कैसा है तुम्हारा सिरदर्द?
मरीज- वो तो मायके गई है .
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संता- डॉक्टर चश्मा लगने के बाद में पढ़ तो सकूंगा ना? डॉक्टर- हां बिल्कुल
संता - फिर ठीक है डॉक्टर नहीं तो अनपढ़ आदमी की जिंदगी भी कोई जिंदगी है।
455
Sharabi to Doctor: Kya aap meri sharab chhudva sakte ho?
Doctor: Haan, kyun nahi.
Sharabi: To police headquaters me meri 4 bottle padi hai. Please chhudwa do.
763
Doctor: You should take at least 10 glasses of water everyday.
Patient: It is impossible.
Doctor: Why?
Patient: I have only 4 glasses at home...
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Lady Patient: Doctor! Please call my husband inside.
Doctor: Trust me, I'm a Gentleman.
Lady: No Doctor, Your Nurse is sitting outside & my husband is not a Gentleman..
437
Doctor to Patient: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient: Yes. A Good Doctor.
462
First mother: How's your son getting on at medical school?
Second mother: I don't know, I can't read his letters.
374
You can not blame God for everything.
God made Michael Jackson a handsome black boy.
Plastic surgeons turned him into a hideous white woman.
505
Doctor: Please take your seat sir. what is your problem??
Patient: Hello Doctor please can you give me your certificate?
Doctor: Why?
Patient: I took 2 weeks leave in my office. They asked me to get an Doctor Certificate.
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A PIG fell in love with a HEN
1 day they kissed each other
next day PIG died of BIRD FLU
and BIRD died of SWINE FLU
AJAB PREM KI GAJAB KAHANI.
427
Laughter is the best medicine, But if u are laughing without any reason, u need medicine.
470
Girl to doctor: Meri skin bohat soft aur sensitive hai..Mera rang bhi boht gora hai..mein raat ko kya laga kar soya karun?
Doctor: KUNDI.
490
Patient – Doctor saheb, saaf – saaf bataayiye ki mujhe beemari kya hai ?
Doctor – dekhiye aap bahut khaate hain, bahut sharab peete hain aur bahut aalsi hain !
Patient – Ok Doctor saheb, ab yehi baaten apni tedhi-medhi handwriting me English me likh kar de den taaki mai office se 1 hafte kee chhutti le sakuun … !
2
Ek DR. Se Pucha Gya
Bacche Itne Shararti Q Hote Hai?
FantaStic Jwaab Mila.
Jo cheez Bnti Hi Shararat Se Hai Wo Sharif kaise ho Sakti Hai
1
A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, "My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?"
He replied, "Give him a headache, what else?"
2
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day
was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the
patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away
from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the
nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the
tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots
were really deep!"
1
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen
sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp
mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the
problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the
down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can
guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the
doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't
stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't
enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care
if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"
The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
1
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a
urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
1
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he
ended up having a complete sex change.
All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up
so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained
what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection
ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be
someone else's, that's all."
1
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess
it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything
changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
1
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the
doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has
had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no
improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to
give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice
that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home,
get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me
off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This
helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even
if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always,
the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me
in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
1
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin
working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other,
aren't we."
1
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an
important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital
fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the
time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground,
pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground,
and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is
vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the
precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then
swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It
is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it
is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch
accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable,
but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts
no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look
at my watch."
1
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have
improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided,
however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do
you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do,
I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear
physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that
helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure
theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said
for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science
for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences
in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to
be a teakettle."
1
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the
germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
1
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their
arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a
portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out
his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
1
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a
patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in
half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks
he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from
there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
1
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to
promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
1
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,
and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell
asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple
minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
1
Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over
to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I
couldn't walk for a year!"
1
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some
bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You're not sterile."
1